I think I need to start writing for those of us who feel unholy and overwhelmed. For those who believe in God but who have distanced themselves from him for one reason or another. For those who wonder whether watching the Wiccans on True Blood say their chants will affect you or your family because after all, that is the type of beliefs we are programmed to believe… but were we taught that because we fear too much or because it’s true?
Honestly, I thought I was further along than this in my Christianity. I thought the whole leave the church building behind freedom from religion thing was dealt with. Yet I find myself a bit angry, find myself doing things that are potentially going to get me in trouble somewhere along the line, and feeling not as worried as I assume (from my years if Christian training) I ought too be.
Am I the only one? Is there anybody out there that can relate? Does this mean I am lukewarm or does this mean that I am awake and alive?
I wish I were good and could believe better. I wish I trusted God with my temper and to provide for me. I wish I could see what’s really going on behind that veil that separates us from a whole other good world because sometimes I really do sense God and heaven and life in nature, my awesome, precious family and laughter. If I could see behind that veil than maybe that would help me not want to do wrong so blatantly and so often and have some strong faith. I don’t know.
All I do know is if I am not honest, you might go on thinking you’re the only one and I might go on thinking I’m the only one.
I’m no Peter or Paul. My shadow has never healed anyone and maybe it never will. I can identify with Moses though. Moses who murdered and feared and fled. Moses who hid in a desert for 40 years. Moses who stuttered and asked if someone else could speak in his place.
I long to be the Moses who is in the middle of that desert in the older years of his life who is caught off guard by a bush burning with God himself. Just writing that sentence out makes me cry with something that comes from so deep within. To be singled out and saved… from myself, from the mediocre, from the broken actions of my life. And don’t tell me that Jesus has already singled me out and saved me. That will really irritate me. That’s a pre-packaged answer. I want him to come into my now and show me that he’s paying attention and that he loves me. I need him. Don’t try to fix my needing him with trite answers like that.
Just let them be, my honest questions. After all, I am wrestling here. With need and faith and with missing the mark so many times. With my own deficiencies and with fear. As a matter of fact, fear of karma and consequences is massively strong on me tonight. I actually think I am wrestling with God himself too.
Who was it that wrestled God? Was it Jacob? I don’t know and I’m not even going to stop to look it up on the internet. Whoever it was, why is it that we are ok preaching about his wrestling story but not our own? I think its because we feel safe telling his because we know the outcome. We can wrap it up nicely as a good story with good pointers for the Christian walk. However, with our own wrestling stories we don’t know the outcome and it’s very, very messy – will I triumph? Will I continue to go the way I am? It’s hard to feel comfortable when you’re in the fight, and we do love our comfort, even at the expense of others.
Honesty and love. I can be honest but I genuinely struggle with love. I do know enough to know that if I don’t have love, its all for nothing. I don’t want it to be for nothing and I don’t want to love my life without acknowledging God more than my life when it’s rich with his presence and fruit. So let’s see where this leads to next.