I can’t trust God

I can’t trust God. I don’t have the energy.

I can trust him for my son. I can teach my son about God’s intimate love for him. I hope I can show my son the love of God, but I can’t trust God.

I need some things and I want some things and I’m not really sure that if I put my belief in Him right now that He will come through. I’ve been here a lot of times before. I want to just throw in the doing it myself and let go to trust… But my numbness and my thoughts of how I can do it myself plague me and lead me away from that wanting.

I desperately need God to help me love and trust. I don’t know if I can conjure up the strength to psyche myself into believing Him again. I expect the worse. I expect that if I trust Him, I will lose the window of time to do it for myself.

What a struggle.

I don’t really want to hear from anyone how there is more to this than just struggling with trust. I know that. I just have made a deal with myself to be honest in my thoughts, in a safe way here, whether or not my thoughts sound unholy or immature. Whether or not I feel completely insecure in sharing something that other God followers will relate to or not. Whether or not it will make people pity me or judge me.

I don’t feel uh he’d in at all to all those soaking in the Presence of the Lord right now, although I do feel His presence deeply now and then.

I need God, but my “need” for Him right now sometimes feels as if its a conditional need. “I will trust you if you do what I say I need” and somehow, Biblical stories of God striking people down are all that are going through my head right now.