Enjoying today

I’m enjoying this day with my family. Saw this and thought it was an awesome reminder!

Our times are in your hands

“But as for me, I trust in you, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.” Psalms 31: 14,15a

I remember sitting with my friend as she was crying. The warm sunlight was streaming through the window while she told me that she didn’t know how to explain to her then three year old son that he was a mistake. She’d become pregnant with him in her teens and had been on her way to the abortion clinic when Jesus intervened and changed her plans.

She said to me, “How do I explain to him that he was a mistake?” She didn’t feel that it was a mistake that he was in her life, but she was struggling with the fact of his unplanned conception to a young, unwed mom and a father who wanted no part of him.

I don’t know why I knew the answer that I gave her, but I knew it without doubt. We read Psalm 139.

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
-Psalms 139:13-17 (NASB)

I’ve always believed (I’m sharing with you what I shared with her) that I was meant to be Shannon. No matter the circumstances of my conception (my parents were married when I was conceived. However, pizza and beer had a lot more to do with it than careful planning and because of this my mom was always afraid I’d I’d feel unwanted. It’s a true story and, opposite of what she feared, I love the fact that pizza and beer were in my beginnings. Ha!), no matter the exact year or place, my spirit, my personality, my self, my life was in God’s heart before even the heavens and the earth were created. I was meant to be and so I am.

Now, here I am in this messy life, with its ups and downs and sadness. Its questions and joy. Its fun and family and friends and all the things I wrestle with. And my life is in his hands.

My friend was freed from the fear and worry that day. She realized her son was NOT EVEN CLOSE to being a mistake. And neither are you. And neither am I.

I dreamt this. I dreamt of writing this post last night. God spoke to me, telling me what I needed to hear. My times are in His hands. I dreamt of the conversation so long ago with my friend, I dreamt of sharing it. So here it is. Maybe some of it is for you. Some of it is definitely for me.
Have a good one, guys.

Hypocrites

We helped friends pack up their moving truck last night. For a couple of hours we were the only couple there.  Then two or three other families showed up… the only other families left in town who were a part of the church our friends used to go to who are currently speaking to them.

Up until three or four months ago our moving friends were a part of a church. Then it came out that he had fallen back into an addiction problem. So, while his wife dealt with their two little ones and they, as a couple, dealt with his addiction and its affect on their family, their pastor and his wife pulled away, began telling people about the situation (it wasn’t a public situation until they started talking about it) and also started spreading rumors about them.  They basically severed ties, spoke condescingly behind my friends backs and to their faces and tried to use God as their excuse in doing so.

While packing up their moving van during the day yesterday before Patrik and I arrived to help (it was just them with their 2 kids all day trying to pack and load), the pastor came by and said he had thrown his back out and couldn’t help and his wife sent a note that said “I’m sorry you took what I said and did wrong” – apparently still unable to apologize or take responsibility for ripping into hurting people and turning others against them. Gee, do you think you could get on the phone and get some guys from your church here who haven’t thrown their backs out to help? Nah, just walk on by and go back home.

Well, my friends have been working hard at their marriage, have been in counseling, he has been in NA and they are doing better. All while dealing with being alone in a town where they used to have a church who were more like family… or so they thought.  Now, he has been offered a job and a new start in Tennessee by family.

As we were buckling Eli in his carseat and getting ready to leave their house late last night I looked at Patrik and asked, “how does it feel to be more like Jesus than a pastor and his wife?” He could tell it was a question I was asking out of frustration and he just said he was giving a hand where someone needed help.

I don’t know why I’ve felt the need to post this. It just really pisses me off that people like this are leading other people and hurting them as they go. Trust me, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened with this pastor and his wife. It really hurts me and makes me so frustrated. I don’t know what to do about it other than vent and pray. And at this point I am better at venting than taking that frustration to God in prayer. But I will do that today as I sit here and search for Him in the injustice of it all.

I know the verse about pulling the log out of my own eye befere I point out splinters in some one else’s, but this seems to be about abuse of power too. Yes, I have to examine myself. Yet, I have to say that this is sickening and wrong too.

Anyway, on with the day now. May I see God because He is here and I am loved. There is a way to perfect peace in every situation and it is being still with my Jesus and soaking in His love. I hope today I can respond to Him and rest in Him. That’s the only way, isn’t it? I hope that my friends who are on the road now in their moving truck, with their two little ones, on a long 12 hour drive to their new home find that freedom that comes from God’s presence and love right there where they are.

true dat

Bring it on

Don’t listen to the Christians (or anyone else for that matter) who tell you that your yearning and struggling and dissatisfaction is ‘just the way it is’. They’re wrong.

You know there is more!! Don’t believe the lies and find your peace with Jesus. He is going to open doors for our lives that help us live out his will… Loving, healing, setting free. And our reward is joy. How awesome is that?? Come on!!!

No wonder

Literally. No wonder. I haven’t got much wonder in me. I’m exhausting myself trying, worrying, hating, and more.

I live trying. Praying a lot of the time for what I am realizing I already have. God meant for me to rest in Him, and from the resting place and the knowledge of his presence find faith. I can’t conjure up faith. If I rest in Him His presence will rest upon me and transform all those around me. Literally. This is literal stuff here. God tore the heavens open when Jesus was baptized with water and He will never close them again. He is all ours.

My purpose is to be full of his presence, heal the sick, raise the dead, set captives free. I will be in that secret place with Him to love and rest and become more like me, filled with Him. I want to fulfill what He commanded and empowers us to do. All for love. I am wanting to love because He loves me!

That’s not exhausting, that’s a hope and a purpose. No wonder I’ve always been hungry. Oh man, this is great. My heart bowing down before him again, recognizing Him as my Lord, appreciating Him, loving Him. That’s worship. That’s how I’ll grow. Not by striving.

who ya gonna bust on then?

I’ve had two experiences lately that have made me think and ask a certain question.

The first is that this week I’ve read a couple of 2012 prophetic words sent out by people who have certain things on their hearts to share. These are not weird freaks, these are people I trust who are just people who love God.  On the flip side, I read the following on this dude’s facebook page… I’m friends with this guy on fb, but I don’t know him. He’s some author guy who I have found to have very thoughtful and profound things to say at times. Here’s a bit of what was posted on his page in the last few days:

Let us begin by clarifying that this is not a “prophecy” for the New Year. We find most such prophecies troubling, because God does not operate on the basis of our subdivisions of time. Not being confined to this time-space world, a day is as a thousand years—and a thousand years are as a day. The more we grow up into Him, the less we will concern ourselves with such “prophecies.”

Since we’ve already gone to meddling, let us continue in this “rant” for a few more moments.
Most prophecies having to do with dates and seasons, “shifts” in the spiritual atmosphere, etc., seem to us to come primarily from those who desperately need a new season or a new shift for reasons of self-interest.[1] They often favor certain geographical locations. There is a prideful propensity to make our town the most important town in God’s heart.

Now, first of all, I find them a bit negative and, to be honest, a little bit condescending to people who do hear from God and experience life in the ways that they are speaking against.  So, hmmmm…

The second experience I’ve had is hearing an American preacher who apparently lives in London and has podcasts on the web.  I listened to one or two of his podcasts this week while sitting at my desk at work.  Their church seems to be alive and open. However, he said something during one particular teaching about how you shouldn’t just sit around and be drunk on God, but should go out and get a job and prepare yourself for what God wants to do in your life (that is my paraphrase of what he said, not a direct quote).  And, since I know people who really are wasted on God and God seems to be enjoying them, providing for them, and really loving through them, I found what the pastor said a bit sad.

So, after these two experiences this week I want to ask the non-2012 prophecy guys and this pastor, what if you’re all right?  What if you hear God the way you hear God? What if the more mystical find God in a more mystical way? What if you were supposed to go out and train for the vocation God said He wanted you in and what if they mystics are supposed to soak and savor?  Who ya gonna bust on then?

It all seems a bit odd to me because these are the ones who teach that we need to make room for the new. Get out of the old mindset. Yet, I hear them being closed or critical to the unknown, the uncomfortable, the less cerebral and the more mysterious.

I’m going to post the rest of that non-prophetic post below.  It kind of makes me sad.  I don’t have the mystical experiences like the guys I know do, but I’m open to God coming to me in that way and I have seen an angel or two myself with my eyes wide open, and smelled Jesus and felt the literal hot fiery love of His presence in the car on the bridge leaving Wales and going back into England. I could list numerous things here that are not logical. Yet, I believe some who haven’t had experiences like those could and indeed do love Jesus and know Him.

Seriously, those who preach to be open to what’s new sometimes shut it down without even realizing it. Or maybe they aren’t that open?

I haven’t posted the names of the pastor/church I’m speaking of or of the three men who submitted the 2012 post I’ve mentioned. I don’t think that would be in the right spirit of things… yet, I do wish I could say what I’ve said here to them. In love. Why? I believe it’s the truth, that’s why.  And I also believe it is why we become tired and jaded.

However, I’m going to keep my heart bowed down to Jesus and my eyes on Him because He brings me massive hope and satisfaction.  These past few weeks have been brutal in so many ways, but so peaceful thanks to Jesus.

Here is the rest of that post I mentioned up above:

To the new covenant creation, Jesus is our “Portal,” the Open Door, the Way, into the heavenlies. We need no other. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is everywhere all the time! While there remains a significant place for prophets (in the foundation, along with apostles), their role was radically changed in a moment, an instant, on the day of Pentecost when Jesus returned in the person of the Holy Spirit to fill and abide in His church, forever. God now speaks by Him!

Those who are waiting for Him to do something dramatic need to understand that He is waiting for us to do something, in particular:

Come into New Covenant order
Be led by the Spirit
Become disciples
Grow up
Take on responsibility
Fit together with others
Find our identity in Jesus, our function in His body

Questions: Would not such an agenda glorify God and fulfill His purpose? Would not such an agenda extend His kingdom on the earth? Would not such an agenda promote a dramatic response from heaven?

God has chosen to not function in isolation from His creation. He has willed us to be co-laborers with Him in bringing the kingdom from heaven to earth. If we are waiting for a divinely produced cataclysmic occurrence while we neglect to follow the obvious commands He already has given us, we will continue to regard every cloud formation, every earthquake and every windstorm as a sign of the times.

Embracing these challenges will go a long way toward pleasing God and fulfilling His purpose in 2012. We should get a lot more excited about finding and fulfilling our purpose in Christ than in chasing gemstones and angel feathers.

The fullness of Christ in us, together, the hope of glory in the earth, is our New Year’s resolution.

If we pursue the practical, we will experience our share of the mystical. If we pursue the mystical, 2012 will be no different than 2011, or the years before that.

Truth spoken in love,

Better Days

Did I get the $100 cash back that literally blew out of my pocket and into the wind on the top floor of the parking garage? No.

Was I able to numb how hurt I was by someone I loved? No.

Yet, the end of the week has brought with it better days. Why? I don’t know. But I’m thankful.

Not really able or up for trying to be some kind of profound writer tonight. Just stating how it is right now and wanting to thank those of you who have emailed kind words and have been saying prayers. Thank you!

This is just life. It’s not depression, it’s not just me, it’s life. And at least this time in the midst of it I was identifying with the screw ups of people who have gone before me. People like David, Abraham and others in the Bible. It felt real. And now that those two or three really draining and terrible days are over with I can see how I was sustained and loved.

Awesome.

right on the edge

I have to admit that today I am right on the edge of not believing.  Right on the edge because I know that I know God, that I’ve seen Him for myself, that He is, indeed love.  Yet also, right on the edge of being really pissed off at God for not helping me the way I hoped He would.  Therefore, I am tempted to stop believing because it seems such an effort for me when it seems that nothing is working out and it is painful.

I’m actually lying. I’ve already gotten mad at God because I feel hurt by being in a stupid situation that piled one more really tough day on top of an already very stressful, hurtful week.  The anger at Him came from feeling hurt because I didn’t get what I think I need.  And because something out of my control happened that I know God could have helped not happen.

Why do we have crappy days like this? I absolutely hate days like this. 

Just below the surface, right there in the midst of the negative feelings is what I know is peace.  I feel that I could trust and believe but I also feel too worn out really give myself over right now becuase I’m not sure that I want to let go of feeling pissed off.  Yet, there is that longing for the trust to take root in my soul and to keep my head up and know that though this day is hard I can get through it.

Sheesh.

Dang

Dang this is a rough week.