So, as a kid growing up in the good old American church system, I have it ingrained in my head that everything I do, think, say, want, need is either right or wrong.
Lately, I’ve been recognizing the fact that I probably live 99% of my life feeling bad or good about wrong or right choices I’m making, thoughts I’m having or what my intentions are on any certain day or in any conversation.
What a crappy way to exist. I mean, I don’t think that when God put these words in the good book, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” that he meant for me to be kicking myself mentally whenever I fail at doing those things. Which is pretty much always. I think that with those words he meant for me to know that there is another way to live and look at life. That He is and will show me the lovely, pure, noble, admirable things about being alive and I can be free enough to think on those things instead of the things that bind me up and hurt me or others. He meant for those words to give me hope, not for them to weigh me down.
You know what comes from keeping score in our hearts and heads of how wrong or right we are? Arrogance, guilt, shame and numbness. Ridiculous to think this is what it means to be a Christian.
I know we’re supposed to live lives that are full of love, but that has to come first from Jesus, not from my efforts. I have assumed that when I have angry thoughts they are bad. When I don’t feel a lot of love for a family member on a particular day that I am failing. When I don’t like somebody that I am not letting Christ love through me. And yet, I never live up to these standards that I measure myself by. So screw that. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.
Instead of right or wrong, I’m going on with it just is. However I feel is the way I feel. God can have it in that moment and help me be healed from the anger or to forgive when I can’t find anything buy unforgivness in my heart. Or, He can show me that it’s ok. That He understands. Or, He can give me peace that the way I feel is awesome to Him. It’s how He made me. That He’s proud of me.
We’re so far from the burning, living, loving heart of God whenever we try to live up to anything. It’s not worth the worry and effort.
I want to be free and I want to enjoy God.