a confession

Was listening to U2 earlier today.

Here’s a secret, a confession: I still haven’t found what I’m looking for either, Bono.

Does that make me an unbeliever? A tired believer? A true believer?

I hear he moves in power and I believe it in my small, finite way. I hear he is total and complete love, and I know that’s true because I’ve encountered him and his love for myself more than once. I hear that the God and his kingdom are closer than the air I breathe; that I live and move and have my being in him. I believe that and sometimes I even sense it in the way that while sitting in my cubicle I can sense that there is a whole city full of sunshine and beauty and history and people’s lives happening outside the windows and ten stories down, but I can’t be a part of all that outside world because I am tied to the job, cublicle and paycheck inside the building ten stories up. So, yeah, heaven and it’s miracles and life exist, but it’s always seemingly just out of reach and I can’t figure out how to grasp it and immerse my life in God and the kingdom of God. The other things creep in and choke out the Presence of God that I feel briefly sometimes when I stop to hang out with Him.

I don’t know what that looks like as far as the rest of my life goes, but I hope there is more than what I have found so far. Well, that’s not quite the way to put it. I know there is more. I’m not that introspective and self-centered (though I’m sure I rank up there with some of the best navel gazers out there), but I don’t know how to figure out how to possess it. My life is in Christ. By faith, I believe that. Yet, I have no clue what that truth means. Sometimes I feel that I am stuck inside a maze or a puzzle that I cannot figure out (I am terrible at puzzles and don’t enjoy them at all) and to take it even further, sometimes I feel that the puzzle is God. 

But I do love Him. That’s the truth! And I know that He loves me. I believe it and feel His love.

Still, I think I’m missing out on Him in some way.

My brain is tired now from writing and it’s time to go to bed. Goodnight.

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One thought on “a confession

  1. Shannon your passionate cry does not go unheard….He heres the cry of the raven and the sparrow…your are so much more to him than they are….When I read your words of desperate longing I believe you are echoing the cries of so many…I believe that the words you write are a prayer for them and when your words are read they know that they are not alone…You are serving…Your deep, passionate, discontent have the effect that the cries of the priests of old had when crying out for the peace and freedom of enslaved Israel…You are enslaved to a life you did not choose and you as Joseph are not in the land you were created to inhabit…This is why you continue to groan inside and out…He hears your groans…too deep to be expressed…I believe you will know the freedom and joy you long for, because you continue to hold onto the hem of Jesus garment and plea your case to the Judge of Heaven…He is a God who can be entreated, for as 1st Cor. 13 true love is easily entreated…I will continue to pray by your side for this struggle you are in, to be victorious…That you will know the joy of your master..I love you Shannon….

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