right on the edge

I have to admit that today I am right on the edge of not believing.  Right on the edge because I know that I know God, that I’ve seen Him for myself, that He is, indeed love.  Yet also, right on the edge of being really pissed off at God for not helping me the way I hoped He would.  Therefore, I am tempted to stop believing because it seems such an effort for me when it seems that nothing is working out and it is painful.

I’m actually lying. I’ve already gotten mad at God because I feel hurt by being in a stupid situation that piled one more really tough day on top of an already very stressful, hurtful week.  The anger at Him came from feeling hurt because I didn’t get what I think I need.  And because something out of my control happened that I know God could have helped not happen.

Why do we have crappy days like this? I absolutely hate days like this. 

Just below the surface, right there in the midst of the negative feelings is what I know is peace.  I feel that I could trust and believe but I also feel too worn out really give myself over right now becuase I’m not sure that I want to let go of feeling pissed off.  Yet, there is that longing for the trust to take root in my soul and to keep my head up and know that though this day is hard I can get through it.

Sheesh.

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