fading to grey

The starkness of my belief in Jesus’ teachings has lessened over the years. I find that the more I learn to look for Him in every day, the less I know of those black and white answers I was once very sure of.

This fact does not disturb me. It’s actually a relief. I feel more loved by God since I stopped trying to live in the black and the white of it all.  I was less secure in rules and regulations than I have ever been in His friendship. I have begun to become myself, real and unfettered, when talking to Him and living my life with the people I’m around every day. 

I am thankful that I was taught about Jesus being God when I was young. And I think that despite all the imprisoning shit that was mixed in with the truth, it put me on a good path to Him but I don’t believe in Him merely because I was taught about Him.  I believe Jesus – who He says He is, that He loves me, that He’s here and real and mine – because I’ve seen Him for myself.  Quite literally. That’s why I can keep on with Him.

Hypocrites and people who try to shove the good news down people’s throats bother me a lot more than Rob Bell does with his supposedly blasphemous questions about hell. Hypocrites bother me a lot more than many people who wouldn’t be considered Christians by some.

People who have it all figured out are the ones who usually judge people the most quickly, are the ones who still don’t talk to me since I got pregnant before I was married (but after I was a missionary) and who would rather lock themselves away in fear instead of living life around all sorts of people who both love and need love.

I love God. I feel free. I feel accepted by Him when I am a bitch.  I feel intrigued and frustrated by Him and His mysteries. I feel hope. I feel love welling up in me where it has lain dormant for a lot of years. I feel more free from everyone’s (and my own) political views when I stay close to Him. I am able to worry less as I draw in and look for Him.

Things are changing. Today life looks beautiful to me and things are far from perfect. How cool is that?  This is a first for me, really, and I’m going to enjoy it all day long.

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2 thoughts on “fading to grey

  1. So beautiful. Such a blessing.
    In my journal the other day I wrote (also posted on my FB page):
    “Am Learning” is much more preferable than “have learned”.
    The former is Dynamic; Moving, Living and Breathing. The latter is static; non-moving.

    Thank you for your post dear sister. Encouragement and confirmation provided for The Journey.

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