Usually when I disobey God it’s because he has told me to do something I don’t want to do. Like… apologize to someone I’ve wronged but lately… Lately I’ve been disobeying Him for a whole different reason. You see, four or five weeks ago He told me clearly to do something and I haven’t done it. It’s something good. It’s something I’ve been telling everyone that I want to do. It’s something that may just lead to some freedom from the daily drudge of sitting in a cubicle. So why the hell haven’t I done it???? I sabotage myself, that’s why.
I’m not well organized.
What if I can’t do it well?
I’m already busy, what if I start to do this. Does that means I’ll have even less time with my husband and son.
I use a bunch of different excuses.
The honest truth is that I’m not sure why I do it. If I get honest and really think about it I feel scared. Me, who has sold everything, got on a plane and got off in the country God told me to go to. Me, who has travelled all around the world by myself. Scared? Yep. That’s it, but I can’t even begin to tell you why I’m scared. Just that the fear has got me stuck. The fear has got me sitting still when God has given me at least the beginning of an answer to my many, many prayers about work and feeling stuck.
I sabotage myself.
How stupid is that? I’d like to get on with it and do what God has said. I’d like to be in on what He wants to do. I’ve been praying and praying and praying for an answer. He gave me one. I’ve sat still. Sheesh. No wonder I’m stuck! Can I do it? I don’t know, but I hope so. I really do hope that I will do it this week.