thoughts on a tuesday night

Don’t know what to write here tonight. I haven’t written for days. I’ve yet to figure out why I’ve been avoiding spending some time with Jesus over these past several days. I feel and hear Him asking me to, leading me to… yet I don’t.

I’ve had some good days lately, some profound moments. Two nights ago when we were spending time outdoors Eli was running and playing. He fell and got his first skinned knee. As I was tending to it and comforting him I felt a realization that this was the first of many hurts for him. It made the moment precious because for now I get to be the one who cares for him when he needs it. I also had a realization that time passes quickly and at some point that moment would be a mere memory, he would be a man, and I would miss his small, chubby, sweet little boy self who I was holding onto and giving kisses to at that moment.  I think it’s the way Mary must have treasured Jesus’ time with her in her heart. I keep thinking of her since having Eli.

Anyway, I realize that when I keep away from God I begin to be irritable and find that nothing really entertains me any more.  Distractions don’t actually distract.

I’m not really beating myself up about it.  I’m just expressing that this is where I’m at. I figure if everyone I tend to look up to was more open about how they are with God at certain moments, I’d feel I was simply struggling as a human struggles instead of dealing with being guilt ridden a lot of the time.

Well, it’s after 10:00 pm so I guess that means it’s bed time for me.

I hope that all of you out there are doing well tonight and keeping on on this journey that has become so clouded with rules, opinions and pedestals.  All week a scripture from Lamentations (of all books!!) has been coming to mind: “Arise, cry out in the night. Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord.”  Think He’s trying to tell me something? I do. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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