I read some from a book tonight about Christianity. About using what you’ve been given and how God’s favor looks to rest upon those who do not ignore Him and what He’s given them.
I felt like a total failure reading it. Not deep depression saying “I’m so terrible” to myself over and over again. It was tiredness. I don’t even know where to begin to start new. To find strength to dream of God things again. To dare to listen to the Way again.
All these instructions coming at us in books and teachings. How did they do it without any Christian books and seminars and music? Where is the core of life who will change me without me trying to get to a place where I can feel like I’m able to be good enough?
I have found myself jealous of the people I know who genuinely love God and live in His love. I miss the flowing of life that happens when living that way and can honestly say that I am stuck. I don’t think I need to hear anymore “how to” teachings. I need to not be stuck anymore and I need to hear who I am.