God is stirring me up so much these days. It’s refreshing, actually, to feel alive and to be in touch with Him in my heart. It’s good to know I’m loved again. Where have I been lost for these past few years? I don’t know, and I don’t want or need to sit here and beat myself up about time lost. All I know is that I feel Life again and the possibilities and hope are endless things in my mind and heart and life once again.
I am working a lot of overtime lately. Get up at 6:45 a.m., spend an hour in the morning getting ready and cuddling Eli, drop Eli off at the sitter’s, go to work until 4:30 p.m., pick up Eli, start dinner, Patrik gets home, talk to him while we sit in the floor or on the couch and enjoy Eli for maybe an hour and a half or two hours after dinner, then Eli goes to bed and by around 7:45 p.m. or 8, I’m back at work. Why? Well, life is slammed and we simply can’t make it on our normal pay. We’ve both been doing OT.
Now, I have been weighed down with worry about money, about family, about our marriage, about life, about destiny, about everything (it sounds like!), but in the past two weeks God has, in his deep grace, opened up my eyes and heart to Him in a deep way. I have learned that fear and faith are pretty much what fight for my belief, because spending time and energy believing (or worrying) about the bad or trusting and believing for God’s way and His life and provision. So, I can believe in what I don’t see by having fear or faith. I’ve chosen faith for the first time (it seems like) in these past two weeks and life is just truly different. God is dealing with me in some beautiful ways.
And tonight, while I was sitting here working all alone in a big, quiet, dark office, trying to do what our family needs (and asking God if I’m working this much out of fear of not being provided for or because I know I need to do what we need to do at this time), I heard big BANG sounds… what the heck? It was only fireworks being set off across the river… and our office has a million dollar view of the Savannah River and River Street. So I stood in the dark conference room, with a goofy grin on my face, in the dark, watching the fireworks that God gave me to lighten up my night. I felt like a kid again. They delighted me. God delighted me with them. I’m enjoying life in the most tiring and stretching of times. What is going on??? : )