the mystery of feeling

Yesterday I felt a lot of sadness because I left my nine month old baby with his grandparents in Atlanta for the week.  No big deal in the whole scheme of things, but for a momma who craves baby kisses and smiles every moment of the day, it feels big!

It got me to thinking as I lay in bed missing him and worrying about him.  Whenever I feel a strong emotion, whether it’s joy, sorrow, grief, anger, hope, something inside of me separates itself and becomes observant of the feeling itself.  I find myself sort of in awe of feelings.  To feel something so strongly is such a huge part of being human.  Then, I begin to talk to God about what I’m feeling.  I savor it – not that I enjoy it like when I savor yummy food or good wine – but I recognize it, I let myself feel it and then I am sometimes able to see God within it.  He comes to sit with me when I miss my child.  He came to comfort me when my Grannie and nephew died when the grief was horrible. He is in every single second of my joy and delight, like when Patrik and I are laughing at something together or when I’m cuddling Eli.  God was with me last night when Patrik’s attention and kindness was piling love up high inside the sadness.  The gift of love is so beautiful.

Every thing, every emotion is a chance to be with Jesus.  As I write this I wonder if I will ever feel this way if I, God, please forbid it, lose a child or my husband or others that I love.  A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that when she lost her brother in a horrific accident she went through all of the anger and inescapable grief that you would expect, but that she had determined before that if something horrific happened to her loved ones that she would still trust God and His love.  She said if you determine it before hand, your heart will basically follow.  That doesn’t mean there is absence of anger or grief or numbness, but it does mean that at some point you will recognize that He is with you, loving you, never leaving, never betraying.  It’s a part of the intricate mystery of who He is… that we feel deeply, that we have the capacity to love and hurt, it’s all a part of his beauty, all a part of being created in His image.

I find it quite beautiful – and I hope that doesn’t sound perverse.  I don’t want the sadness or grief.  I want the joy, but when those agonizing, confusing moments come, the mystery and privilege of being loved can come to the surface and I can discover more of what it really means to be alive and loved.

Numbers 6:

24 ‘May the Lord bless you
and protect you.
25 May the Lord smile on you
and be gracious to you.
26 May the Lord show you his favor
and give you his peace.’

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