I was watching an episode of the the show Bones tonight and in the episode they were in London, England. An opening shot after a commercial was of the Tower Bridge at night. When it flashed up on the screen I instantly thought: “That is my country.” But it’s not. In more than one way.
I have found myself being changed by God about England over the last few months. There were a few weeks where God was constantly speaking to me about the fact that it was okay to love it and appreciate the past. However, I had the distinct feeling that my time there was over. That may sound ridiculous because I returned to the USA in October of 2007, so of course my time there is over. Yet, in my heart, throughout returning to my home country, going to another country (Brazil), going through deep depression, meeting Patrik, pregnancy, having our Eli and life since his birth, I have carried around a kind of grieving for the loss of living in the UK and the loss of day to day friendships with the people I treasure there. I have missed them and the place they live so deeply. Yet, as I said, God has been talking to me about that. No specific words, but its more of a feeling that my heart keeps recognizing when I sense Him near me.
I’m glad. I never thought I’d say that. Having the love and appreciation for the place and people minus the grief is like sighing a big sigh of relief that I didn’t know I needed. Like a weight lifted. So I wonder why about the timing. Why now God? It’s interesting to me and I wonder what that means. What’s coming? Why did something inside me have to be changed and/or healed and/or completed now? Is it just so I can move on? Does it have something to do with something new coming? Is it something eternal? Or was God just being nice and helping me feel lighter and more present where I am? I can’t say that the England pull has completely lost it’s hold on me, but that too, is probably a part of the process, because even though the pull is there, like a magnet, it is less strong, and it is more healthy. I miss it but I no longer long for it in the way that I did.
Hmmmm… don’t know, but it is interesting. We are all intricate and full of life and history. My soul feels like a garden right now where I think God is planting invisible things. I hope they grow.