I am not meant to sit in a cubicle day in and day out. The fact that I am miserable doing this, and vocal about being miserable seems to illicit different responses from people. One being that I am too negative. I agree and I am trying to work out how to change that. Another being that it is just a part of life. “It’s just life, you do what you have to do.” They say that about me having to leave my baby with other ladies 40 hours a week in a day care too. I disagree with them.
Tonight I watched a show that touched me so deeply because it reminded me of people. Not paperwork or bankruptcy or law or offices or 9 to 5, but of people. It reminded me of how I felt out on the streets in Bournemouth over those 2+ years working with Jon (the then nightclub chaplain), spending hours walking the streets all through the nights, meeting people, building relationships with the bouncers, seeing people crying, sitting with the drunks, seeing the fights, seeing the sick, laughing with the drug addicts, seeing THEM. I loved them then and I love them still. I loved their stories and I miss them so much tonight that my heart is aching.
What I was born to do is a difficult question for me to answer. What I was NOT born to do is easier for me to answer right now. I was not meant to sit in a cubicle. That is why I am miserable.
Now, when I explain this conclusion that I’ve come to to people, as I’ve said, they tend not to hear what I am saying. I have a few theories on this. One is that their experience is that you do what you have to do. You sit in a cubicle for years, you work hard, you live unsatisfied in some ways and you enjoy your family and the weekends until you retire, if you have enough money to retire. Even though I do not agree with them, I honor their ability to put their heads down and plow through the long days in whatever job it was that they did not enjoy. I have said before that I tend to lack what most people have: the strength to endure something that makes me unhappy. Something in me fights and writhes and hurts and I am too weak to keep on going in it. I admire the stronger people. I am always having to look for more. A lot of the time I wish that wasn’t so, but then I wouldn’t be me. Two is that they feel that they are unhappy and have settled in life and so should everyone else. I reject that 100%. Just because they were told that doesn’t mean it’s true for me.
So, anyway, it’s late and I’ve written out a lot (not all, but a lot) of what was swirling around in my head concerning all of this.
If I do have to work in a cubicle until I retire or die, then I will not love my job, but I hope that I will do a better job at loving people. But I am going to fight when I pray for things to change for me so that I can live life satisfied in more areas than one or two. I believe God’s will is for us to help him tell His story in the unique way that each of us was born to.
Elijah woke up for his late night feeding a few paragraphs ago and while I held him and cuddled him and fed him I got overwhelmed by joy. That is the best feeling and the biggest blessing in life ever. If I do end up fighting against the tide my whole life, at least I’ll have a great big spot of joy… having Elijah and Patrik and my three beautiful nieces. It’s with them that I have enjoyed love and life the most so far and I am learning that with my stepsons too. Joy is beautiful and it makes me whole inside. I know God when I know joy… it reminds me the most of Him in this sometimes long and lonely journey. If you do not know it yet, I hope that you will find it and receive it. I will pray that you do. If it is there, but you haven’t seen it, I will be praying that you see it. God’s heart wants us all to know love, and that is the bottom line. I don’t ever recall Jesus telling anyone “you just do what you have to do.” He told them and He’s telling us, “I am the way and the truth and the life.” And, man, I want truth and life to the fullest.