This morning I thought Eli was a little hot so I took his temperature. As I put the thermometer under his arm I had a thought, “maybe he’s sick and I can stay home with him today”. And then… I can’t even tell you how appalled I was that I had the thought that even hinted at wanting my sweet, smiling little baby to be sick. I didn’t and I don’t. I almost started crying. Where the hell was that thought coming from? I actually apologized to him and felt a bit sickened with myself. My line of thinking had been that I miss him during the day when I’m working 40+ hours a week, and I do not enjoy my job. But having that thought made me realize that unhappiness in one place can seep into other places and poison them in my mind and my actions.
I don’t want to go around beating myself up over the thought that I had this morning, but I have to admit it makes me really ashamed because I don’t EVER EVER want my precious Eli to be sick – not even with a fever. What if he gets sick now? I will feel guilty. I will feel responsible. So I had to stop and remind myself that there is grace for me and my selfish thoughts, that God is not superstitious or mean and will not give sickness to Eli because I had that thought.
I want to be content where I am until it is time for God to stir me up inside in a GOOD discontent when it is time to move on. I do NOT want my unhappiness at a job or in not being able to spend time with my child to effect him. I want to enjoy him when I am with him and accept the way that life is until it is time for life to be different.
We are complicated and intricate. We are whole and broken. Most of all, we are forgiven and loved and grace extends to the most low thoughts we can have. (but I must admit, even as I write this I still feel so guilty for thinking that thought about my sweet, sweet son). Forgiving myself is almost more difficult than forgiving another person.