It seems like it’s always the same old struggles with me.
I am in major debt and have been for years. Now that I have a baby I am more sorry than ever that I got in to debt in the first place. But it’s not just the debt. It’s the wanting a bigger house with a certain look to it and the decorations and furniture I put in the house. I feel self-conscious sometimes around people at work because they have these beautiful houses that they own with matching furniture and beds (ours doesn’t have a frame or a headboard!) and things like that and I live in an old, one bedroom apartment with a husband, a new baby and on many weekends, two stepsons who sleep in the living room on the couch and on the floor. When you walk up the outside stairwell to our apartment the paint is peeling off the walls everywhere. I like my apartment a lot inside, but when I compare it, I feel inadequate. I feel the same way about my car – it’s an old car, not a new one.
I want to take care of the finances, however that may happen. In a way, we need a bigger place to live, but until that place is within our means, I want to be content in my heart where we are and with the car that I drive. I don’t want to worry and I want to hear from Jesus what to do about my job, my photography and how to live life being more alive inside and with each other instead of worrying about how we will get a bigger house and what how other people think of me. It’s true that I do desperately need some guidance from heaven about how to live with what we have and how to move forward and bring money in… yet I want to be at peace while hanging in there and looking for guidance, a plan to follow, divine provision and creativity.
“To have what we want is riches; but to be able to do without is power.” George MacDonald